**_Tools Explained_**
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to
say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wooden projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is
also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to
say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wooden projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is
also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
