Found this today. Thought it would be good for a chuckle or two.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works especially well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Particularly useful for slicing
the work clothes you are waring.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs
Ron
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works especially well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Particularly useful for slicing
the work clothes you are waring.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs
Ron
