How about a little mid week humor

[Telman2]

Monday morning I was putting out the garbage and I noticed that both my neighbors cars were still in the driveway. My wonder was cut short by Glen, my neighbor, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Glen, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night I said.

Glen, in obvious pain said that actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.

I never heard of that so I asked him do you play WHO AM I?

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

I laughed and said that it sounded like fun and was sorry I missed it.

It was probably a good thing you did he said, your name came up seven times...

 

[terrymac]

> Lowes............
> WARNING: ONLY Read This If You Are
> Able To
> LAUGH OUT LOUD.
>
> (Hysterics might set in. The
> writer of
> this piece paints a very vivid picture...
> funny stuff.)
>
>
> I went to "Lowes" recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the
> previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity
> of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty
> stuff, albeit hot to the point of beingpainful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
> coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'.
> Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
> tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred
> to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for "Lowes" Store, my quest being paint and supplies to
> refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushingit about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
> was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
>
> Oh, don't look at me like you
> don't know what I'm talking about...
> I'm referring to that 'Uh,
> Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always
> seems to hit us at the wrong
> time...The thing is, this pain was different.
> The habaneras in the
> chili from the night before were staging a
> revolt.
>
> In a mad rush for freedom
> they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their
> way into the large intestines, and before I
> could take one step in
> the direction of the restrooms which would
> bring sweet relief, it
> happened. The peppers fired a warning
> shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the
> paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
> in a noxious cloud the
> likes of which has never before been
> recorded. I was afraid to
> move for fear that more of this vile odor
> might escape
> me.
>
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the
> pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
> body, and I began to
> move up the aisle and out of it, just as
> clerk in a red apron
> turned the corner and asked if I needed any
> help.
>
> I don't know what made me do
> it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
> would be to the
> malodorous effluvium that refused to
> dissipate... Have you ever
> been torn in two different directions
> emotionally? Here's what I
> mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
> will be able to
> relate.
>
> I could've warned that
> poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched
> as he walked into an
> invisible, and apparently indestructible,
> wall of odor so terrible
> that all he could do before gathering his
> senses and running, was
> to stand there blinking and waving his arms
> about his head as
> though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
> of course, made me
> feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
> ......BIG
> mistake!!!!!
>
> Here's the thing.
> When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
> 'clamped down', if you
> know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
> explosive issue burst
> forth from my nether region. Some were so
> loud and echoing that I
> was later told a few folks in other aisles
> had ducked, fearing
> that someone was robbing the store and firing
> off a
> shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no
> longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I
> raced off through the store
> towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud
> the whole way, praying
> that I'd make it before the grand mal
> assplosion took
> place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just
> in the nick of time I got to the john, began
> the inevitable 'Oh my
> God', floating above the toilet seat
> because my ass is burning SO
> BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while
> I was in the middle
> of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
> Awe'. He made a gagging
> sound, and disgustedly said,
> 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that
> bad when you ate it?', then quickly
> left.
>
> Once finished and I left the
> restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
> intending to carry
> on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said,
> 'Sir, you might want to step outside for
> a few minutes. It appears
> some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is
> going to run the vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought
> to take care of the problem.'
>
> My
> smirking of course set me off again, causing
> residual gases to
> escape me... The employee took one sniff,
> jumped back pulling his
> shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at
> me in an accusing
> manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
> ran off returning moments later
> with the manager. I was unceremoniously
> escorted from the premises
> and asked none too kindly not to
> return
>
> Home again without my
> supplies, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover
> chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
> day I went to shop
> at Targets... I can't say anymore about
> that because we are in
> court over the whole matter.
>
>
>


!

​

http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?id=109094&rui=56670082

 

[butch27]

I needed that laugh today.:lol:

 

[mikesplumbing]

Thats great!!!!!

ULTIMATE POWER

I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3
cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock,
alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro
around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by
surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino
blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a
streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my
bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding
my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane.

I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition.
Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb
feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the
driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my
driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast,
and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of
seven screaming cylinders...

Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three
pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as
smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential
was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout
gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right
front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as
his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in
it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge
(no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his
bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust --
probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust ... maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod
soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our
boy-racer direction...

Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady
high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds
had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the
intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his
shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he
missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in
to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead,
now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so
easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost*
chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over
the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us,
but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.

He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to
third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot
circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front
of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6"
chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted
a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty
steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in
carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the
left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt
the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel
slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up
front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The
Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the
outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next
light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my
driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car
meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority
reigns!!!

I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking
for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon
Van!

 

[GizmoJoe]

Thanks guys. I needed the laughs. I get the word in about 1 hour from now about what date we go out on strike.
37.50 a day strike pay isn't making me smile much...
Keep the jokes coming.

 

[Telman2]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, I wanna watch.

 

[Telman2]

double posted by mistake sorry

 

[bucketkids]

That one got me chuckling for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[putz]

Why does a woman need a watch? There is a clock on the stove.

Why are womens feet smaller than mens? So they can stand closer to the stove!

 

[Telman2]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?

She replied, I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.

Her parents beamed.

Wow...what a worthy goal. I told her, But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.

You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50.

Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where a homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds; then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you just pay him the $50?

I said, Welcome to the Republican Party.

... Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

[PaulR]

HA Ha Ha!!!!! LOL....Love it.

PaulR

 

[LarryH]

Here's one the minister told at my daughter-in-law's memorial service:

Jesus was in Heaven and God came to him and said "My son, you seem deep in thought." "Yes, Father, i'm so tired. There just seems to be so much violence and disasters on earth, i just sometimes don't know what to do. " God says "My son, you are stressed out. Why don't you take a vacation." Jesus thinks for a minute and decides that's a good idea.

Jesus pops down to earth and he's walking along a country highway when a trucker stops. "Son, you look really tired. Climb on up in here and i'll give ya a ride. Jesus accepts the truckers offer and climbs into the truck.

They get a few miles down the highway and the trucker says "Son, ya look thirsty. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grab us a couple sodas?" Jesus reaches back and gets two sodas from the ice chest and hands one to the trucker. They drink the sodas as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, ya look hungry. My wife makes the best ham sandwiches in the world. Why don't ya reach back there into the ice chest and grad us one." Jesus reaches back and gets two sandwiches from the ice chest and hands the trucker one. They finish the sandwiches as they drive on down the highway.

They get a few miles down the road and the trucker says "Son, i always like ta finish off a meal with a nice joint. Care to join me?" Jesus thinks for a minute and decides since he's on vacation, why not. The trucker says "Son, i gotta tell ya, this is some really good shit." They smoke the joint as they drive on down the highway.

Jesus thinks for awhile and decides he should tell the trucker who he is. Jesus looks at the trucker and says "I must tell you that i am Jesus Christ, Son of God." The trucker smiles and says "I told ya that was some really good shit."

 

[Lee_in_KC]

During summer break, a cute little seven-year-old girl noticed some workmen setting up to do some remodelling work on the house next door. She asked her mother if she could go over and watch. Mom said, "OK, but be careful."

The little girl was standing off to the side watching the men when one of them noticed her. He asked if she would like to help. She said sure, so they found little chores for her to do to keep her busy. At the end of the day they noticed she had actually done quite a bit of work, so they took up a collection among themselves and gave her $10.

The little girl ran home, beaming with pride. She said, "Look what I got, mom!" The little girl explained that she had helped the workers and they paid her. Mom asked if she was going to go back tomorrow, and the little girl said, "Yeah, if those c*ck-s*ckers from Home Depot show up with the drywall!"

 

[AZCOWBO]

T-Bucket Handicapped Guard Bird Fails to Protect Rod - A California surfer proudly pulled into the handicapped parking at the beach with his shiny T-Bucket and his "Guard-Bird Parrot." The meter made told him he couldn't park there, as it was handicapped parking only. The surfer replied,"My parrot is handicapped and he sits on my steering wheel to guard my rod, while I am surfing. The meter maid replied, "How is he handicapped." "Well replied the surfer,he has no legs." "Right, so how does he sit on the steering wheel?", she asked. The surfer raised the parrot's feathers and siad, "He wraps his lttle pecker around the steering wheel", and with that she shook her head and left.
An hour later, when the surfer returned, he yelled "Parrot who took my tires and wheels?" The parrot replied, "Heck dude, I don't know, a blonde was changing her bikine in the back of that van and I got a "Woody" and fell off my perch. By the time I got back up here they were gone."

 

[mikesplumbing]

Every one of these are great!!!! Good idea on a thread

Mike

 

[mikesplumbing]

You know you have too much horsepower when:
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the
rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to
the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back
to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go
if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being
in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive
the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is
opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters
of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the
windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145
mph.

 

[VegasBruce]

Why does a woman need a watch? There is a clock on the stove.

Why are womens feet smaller than mens? So they can stand closer to the stove!

Why do brides wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the stove.

 

[terrymac]

:razz: I thought this was funny :razz:

 

[Telman2]

Mikes first and last attempt to add an advice thread to the forum.

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then died about a mile down the road so I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike

 

[putz]

This says it all.