How about a little mid week humor
- Thread starter Telman2
- Start date
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None it should be open when she brings it.
None it should be open when she brings it.
Telman2
Active Member
CHUTZPAH explained:
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner
for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office
building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would
leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel, this went on for
more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young
man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the
pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, thank you for your business. You are
a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price has
gone up to 35 cents."
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner
for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office
building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would
leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel, this went on for
more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young
man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the
pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, thank you for your business. You are
a good customer, but I have to tell you the pretzel price has
gone up to 35 cents."
T-Odd
Member
mikesplumbing " You know you have too much horsepower when:
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
A parsec is a measurement of distance, not time... therefore that's GOTTA be a $#!+ ton of horsepower LOL!
How about little Tony jokes?
A teacher asks her class; "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Tony.
He replies; "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies; "The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think."
Then little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied; "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied; "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like the way you think!"
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
A parsec is a measurement of distance, not time... therefore that's GOTTA be a $#!+ ton of horsepower LOL!
How about little Tony jokes?
A teacher asks her class; "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Tony.
He replies; "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies; "The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think."
Then little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied; "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied; "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like the way you think!"
T-Odd
Member
Maybe a Boudreaux and Thibodeaux joke?
Boudreaux and Thibodaux were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat on her bicycle.
Boudreaux stopped to help her with a flat and Thibodaux continued on down the road.
Soon after, Boudreaux came riding up on the bike and Thibodaux asked him what happened.
"Well" said Boudreaux, "I stopped and fixed de flat for dat chick and after I did dat, she took off her panties, lay down in de grass and told me to take whatever I wanted.
I chose dis bicycle."
Thibodaux said, "Me friend, you did just the right thing, cause dem panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Boudreaux and Thibodaux were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat on her bicycle.
Boudreaux stopped to help her with a flat and Thibodaux continued on down the road.
Soon after, Boudreaux came riding up on the bike and Thibodaux asked him what happened.
"Well" said Boudreaux, "I stopped and fixed de flat for dat chick and after I did dat, she took off her panties, lay down in de grass and told me to take whatever I wanted.
I chose dis bicycle."
Thibodaux said, "Me friend, you did just the right thing, cause dem panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
T-Odd
Member
Two new members of a hunting lodge got introduced to the oldest member.
They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting stories.
"Well back in 1944," says the old man, "we went big game hunting. Didn't have much luck at first. While I was sitting by this tree I heard this noise. All of a sudden this big lion jumps out and roars at me - ROOOOOAAAAAR! Well... I just sh*t my pants."
The young men are amazed. One of them says, "I don't blame you, I'd sh*t my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that.
The old man shakes his head and says, "no no no, not then... just now, when I said ROOOOOAAAAR!"
They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting stories.
"Well back in 1944," says the old man, "we went big game hunting. Didn't have much luck at first. While I was sitting by this tree I heard this noise. All of a sudden this big lion jumps out and roars at me - ROOOOOAAAAAR! Well... I just sh*t my pants."
The young men are amazed. One of them says, "I don't blame you, I'd sh*t my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that.
The old man shakes his head and says, "no no no, not then... just now, when I said ROOOOOAAAAR!"
Telman2
Active Member
Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Take a breathe here..........
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Take a breathe here..........
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed!
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Telman2
Active Member
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his hooha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.
She put his hooha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.
Telman2
Active Member
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of
a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old
farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went
over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the
politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the
crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had
gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the
old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some
of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old
farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went
over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the
politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the
crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had
gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the
old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some
of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
der Spieler
Member
A few ideas for the retirees among us:
WHY WIVES SHOULDN'T TAKE HUSBANDS SHOPPING AFTER THEY ARE RETIRED
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
And last, but not least:
WHY WIVES SHOULDN'T TAKE HUSBANDS SHOPPING AFTER THEY ARE RETIRED
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
[*]June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
[*]July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
[*]July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
[*]July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
[*]August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
[*]August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
[*]August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
[*]August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
[*]September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
[*]September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
[*]October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
[*]October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
[*]October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
[*]October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
[*]October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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