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The Art of Benchracing

der Spieler

I stole this from another forum. I think a lot of the tactics described here could apply to our chosen obsession.
"As a long time real racer, I've come to the conclusion there's also merit in bench racing. It doesn't cost anything, you can go as fast as your imagination will allow, and you won't go to the hospital in the event of a crash. You can have a beer while engaged in a full throttle race with your opponent, and best of all, you're assured a win each and everytime if you've mastered the art of bench racing."

"To be a winner at bench racing usually takes years of practice. First and foremost you should never enter into a race with someone you've known for a long time. This is seldom done, and doesn't make for a good race at all--quite uneventful. Your best opponent for an assured win would be a total stranger, but it's usually a good idea to carefully select the stranger you're planning to do battle with. Make sure your opponent is junior in experience. You might unknowingly be talking to the likes of a Don Vesco, an Art Arfons, or a Mike Hailwood. If by chance you've found this has occurred, immediately "black flag" yourself and get out of the race. This is easily done by saying you have to go turn your acetylene bottles off back at your shop."

"This is usually very effective, quite macho, and doesn't allow your opponent to walk away with a clear win. Never use a reason for "black flagging" such as, "I've got to go take my wife to the beauty parlor." This is absolutely a no-no. Not macho enough. And then there's the other extreme, which is also a no-no. Never say anything like, "I just got a call from NASA. They'd like my opinion on..." some might believe you, but most won't."

"The second most important thing to remember in sucessful bench racing is track positioning. Never accelerate your story to the front. Your best position is to keep in his hip pocket until you see the finish line. A good bench racer will know when the race is about over. Tell tail signs such as the bartender hollering, "Last call, closing in 15 min." or you or your opponent gets a call from the wife that supper is almost ready. There are others, but these are just a couple of common signals that the race is about to be over. When this occurs slip stream the bastard. Get under the paint and blow by him with your best bench racing story. Works every time."
My bench is too cluttered to win. I am on the pit crew with the snappy one liner when needed. It helps take the wind out of the sails of the other guy.
Doesn't everyone have a friend who's car will run 8's on the street?:lol:

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